Saturday, August 28, 2010
As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway
I found that a little distressing, actually. A book gets rave reviews and I don't get it.
It's not the first time this has happened. I've tried reading titles from a book club my friend belongs to. Doesn't work for me. And Oprah's Book Club picks? No thanks. I even subscribe to her magazine, but I rarely read an article all the way through. It's too much work.
Sometimes it feels like I'm not being invited to the party because I can't follow the conversation. I just want to be entertained. I don't want to think.
I want you to know I read lots of stuff. Fabulous stuff, actually. A bunch of magazines, every Kinsey Milhone and Stephanie Plum book, and lots of books I pick up at Target. And Calvin and Hobbes, every single day. Did you know I own the complete collection, in hardback?
It's hard to believe I passed my college literature class. But I did. Cliff Notes. Don't tell my kids.
UPDATE: I had just posted this when Carly put down the book she was reading and said, "I can't finish this, it's boring." OMG, it's genetic!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I never realized that a kid could eat a week's worth of groceries from 3 to 5. Hoo boy, I realize it now. Riley has been home 15 minutes and has eaten a muffin, a peach, and is now on his third cereal bar. Carly ate half a bag of Cheetos and drank a can of pop, of course.
Make that his fourth cereal bar.
Oops, took me too long to think about my next sentence. Now it's number five.
Wouldn't you like to have that metabolism? I am so jealous. And totally broke.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
But in the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I did something else with your can money last night. A good deed that left me feeling awful and questioning myself.
After returning my eight gazillion cans to Hy-Vee, I went to pick up some groceries before redeeming my receipts. I saw a man headed to the can redemption area. He was obviously down on his luck. Really thin, not the looking good kind, but the looking hungry kind. And his eyes looked so old.
I decided to give him the can receipts, about $15. Enough to buy a few hamburgers or whatever. I approached him and offered him what I had. He accepted and thanked me, adding something about being able to fix his bicycle tire now.
And here is where this story gets intersting. I saw it coming, but it was so fast I couldn't stop it. Before I could step aside, he was hugging me and kissing my forehead. And I was horrified. Partly because I'm not a hugger, but mostly because he was unclean and, I assume, homeless. I immediately went to the bathroom and washed my hands and face. Then I went home and took a shower, and entertained more than one thought about lice and disease.
And then I felt awful, total shame for that reaction. I'm not sure where that leaves me, but I've got some thinking to do.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
My friend Tracy reminded me I'm behind on my "Things you don't know about me" list. So here is the next installment.
16. I've been known to procrastinate.
17. My favorite food group is frosted cherry Pop-Tarts.
18. My favorite muppet is Gonzo.
19. I can spot insincerity a mile away.
20. I carry two things in my purse always - a heart Riley made me and a one-sentence note from a friend.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
But here's what tickled me. I asked four people what side the appendix is on. Three said left; the other said not to worry, it's just gas. So I texted my friend Wendi, who happens to have a medical degree. She said right. Oh no, said my impromptu focus group. It's left. Google it. OK, so you believe Google, but not the real-life doctor? It's the right side, by the way. Google says so. Strangely enough, Google lists shoulder pain as a symptom. Hmmmm . . .
My next post will either be from here or my hospital room. Place your bets.
Friday, August 20, 2010
No sign of tumor regrowth. She has a new titanium implant, around a millimeter in size. I'm very hopeful her hearing will improve. We'll know in about eight weeks. Maybe sooner. I'm pretty tuned in to what she hears and what she doesn't.
In true Carly fashion, she made everyone work for their paycheck today. Her stubbornness is one of my favorite traits, except when she's using it on me. But I like a girl who isn't afraid to stand her ground. She reminds me of someone. Don't worry, it'll come to me.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Those of you who love me know that my right shoulder has hurt off and on for a long time. My friend Megan, the world's greatest massage therapist, hears me complain about it a lot. She always tells me to go to the doctor, which I never do. I'm not going to the doctor unless I need my Ambien prescription renewed. And I NEVER EVER mention anything else, because that is just asking for trouble.
But lately I've noticed I'm having trouble opening jars and Gatorade bottles. And tonight? Tonight I couldn't scoop the ice cream without wincing. Folks, this is a problem. A HUGE problem. One that may force me to take action - and by that I mean hitting Dairy Queen a couple times a week. Like I don't have enough to do already.
On another note, who are these kids and when did they get so grown up? Riley looks so tall, but interestingly, Carly at nine is only 1 inch shorter than Riley at the same age. So check back in three years to see if she has hit 6 foot.
Maybe by then I'll have gone to the doctor. But I wouldn't make any bets.
Monday, August 16, 2010
It's really hard to function without my laptop. It's like being a ship without a rudder. Peanut butter without chocolate. Captain without Tennille.
Now I know the truth. I'm just like the people I make fun of. You know who I'm talking about. The ones who check their e-mail and their IMs and their websites every 30 seconds. And carry their laptops into the potty. I've NEVER done that. Oh wait, yes I have. Don't tell anyone.
It's like being back in 1985. My favorite year by the way. People could only reach you by mail or phone. And we had a cool turquoise blue dial phone with a long cord. The more I think about it, maybe that wasn't such a bad system.
Enough nostalgia. I don't want my MTV. I want my laptop and and my Facebook, and my blogs, and my IM, and I WANT IT NOW.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
For as much time as I spend at waterparky things, I'm not a big fan. I can't see without my glasses, and I really don't enjoy accelerating backwards. Particularly in the dark. Then getting a noseful of bacteria water, which happened twice this week when Carly and I flipped our tube.
So you can understand my hesitancy about going on a new attraction - a roller coaster that Big Dog assured me was much tamer than Adventureland's log ride. Don't worry about the sign that says extreme, he said. Uh-huh. Let's just say I didn't go on that ride twice.
Right after that, he went on a slide that is like a toilet - you swirl around in a big bowl before you get sucked down a hole and pushed out the other end. Spectators can watch from the top. You should have seen the look on his face when he flipped his tube at the hole and flew down head first. He wasn't hurt, which is good. But I have to tell you it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. And I couldn't help but think it was fate's way of saying, "That's what you get for lying to your wife!"
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The braces went on this morning. Top ones only. I have no idea why. Six hours later - KA-POW-OWWWWWWW!!!! Six hours and 30 seconds later, the tears rolled. Riley cried a little, too. His from pain, mine from filling out more paperwork than for any other credit purchase EVER made.
I had planned to post a photo. Guess who said no.
If you have a really great orthodontist, like ours, he'll call and give you his home phone number in case you need him. Hmmmmm. I'm thinking middle of the night mac and cheese run.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
As it stands, tomorrow will not be a good day. I will end up in tears even if it goes well. My crazy, menopausal hormones go wild at the slightest thing, and these rite of passage moments are killers. You should have heard me during Toy Story 3 when Andy graduated. A snorting, gasping sound that was just horrifying.
I'll try to keep my composure. But if you're thinking of me tomorrow, think comfort food. Hint, hint!
Monday, August 2, 2010
That works when you're 43. But not when you're nine. Then new is bad. Really, really bad.
Ankeny released its classroom assignments today. And the tears flowed. It's the worst class EVER. (Hey, welcome to my club!)
I pulled out all the stops, all the super dooper parenting tricks I know. Including outright bribery, which, sad to say, usually works. Nothing. Inconsolable.
So I provided the Kleenex, the lap, and the listening ear -- and thought about my own fourth-grade experience. I didn't mention that fourth grade was one of the worst years EVER. My parents separated, kids started teasing me, and I was really glad when it was over.
Why does it have to be so hard? Now I need something to distract me.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I'm feeling better, thanks for asking. But now the dog is sick. We left her loose inside today when we went to pick up Riley in Williamsburg. She took her doggie explosion downstairs. That is one smart dog. She isn't allowed down there normally, but she knew not to mess up my good carpet.
And I'm still pondering the naughty scenes in yesterday's movie. I may never recover.