Thursday, June 2, 2011

Marlo Thomas is mocking me

I figured out today why I never pay my bills on time. It's not for a lack of money, although I wouldn't describe the bank account as overflowing. It's not because I'm forgetful, although I really am. It's not because I enjoy paying late fees, although I must because it would cost less to just hire a personal assistant.

It's because the fund raisers have written me off. In the good old days, solicitations arrived every other day, usually with freebie mailing labels. But now, thanks to the economy, nothing. Apparently those labels were the first thing to go for freeloaders like me.

Without labels, how can I mail my bills? Don't even tell me to write my return address. That would be like asking someone to get up and change the TV channel. We don't do that anymore. So the bills sit, waiting for someone, anyone to fill out those three little envelope lines. Every morning I think, "I'll do that today." Every night I realize that I forgot again. When I finally get around to it, I'm usually a week late and have to fill out 10 at once.

I should have sent Marlo some money.

So if you happen to work at the National Turkey Wildlife Federation, stop sending me weekly postcards and send me mailing labels instead. I promise I'll be more grateful.

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